Happy? Wha?

"It seems we have no control whatsoever, over our own hearts" god dammit. Yeah. No matter how much I can shut myself off, pretend its all good, bring up my walls and create the perfect facade? Yeah. No control over my damn heart.

Let me get this straight. This past week and a half? It's been a blended tsunami hurricane and tornado of fucking emotions. I'm going crazy. The majority of the time? Yes. I can all shove it to the back of my mind. I can tell all of you people that I'm beginning to feel just fine. But really? Still that internal storm. If you would just let me see you? I don't even know. I could go crazy. I could be just fine. But god dammit. I really need to see you. And my guess is, you're not going to let me spend a single moment alone with you. And so. I've got to figure this out alone. Everyone can make their efforts, try to talk me into feeling better, but you know what? You. You're the only person capable of calming all of this crazy. And all it's going to take is some time alone with you. Of course, I really doubt that you're going to grant that.

I take these steps. I go through these actions. Make these motions. Because they help me put up my front. Of course, I have a pretty bad feeling that this front is just going to push you away. But really, I don't see any scenario that will bring you closer. Because for the first time in my life, I really did let go. And what did it get me? Left alone, when I thought I was going to have you there for good. Make another attempt when we have our shit straight? How can we attempt that when you can leave me so shattered and alone? When you plan on making another attempt with someone, you don't do that. You don't leave them in the dark. I absolutely love you. And you know what? You made the claim that you loved me too. But quite honestly, I really don't believe that anymore. Not for a second. You don't do that to someone you love. And I don't know if I can let myself be in that position: being the girl who loves, but isn't loved back. It's too much hurt.

How could you? You tell me that life was getting stressful, and we just weren't having any fun anymore? That's really the only reason you were in it to begin with? Was for the fun? That right there, that tells me that you aren't in it for the long haul. How could you possibly expect something that's going to last, to be all about fun? All of that. All of this. It shatters me inside. I can't stand it, and I hate it, and I feel like I'm going to die. Thanks for that.