whatever.

i find myself pathetic.
for my own unexplainable reasons.
im scared of leaving this summer.
it seems as if the truth wont hit until i really have to face it.
death scares me.
life scares me.
i dont understand the point in life if all we're going to do is die again.
adam
eve
you two are pretty damned stupid.
i hate my inconsistency.
i should teach english
no i want to teach math
wait i want my own business
forget it ill go into geophysics.
i hate having to deal with the games people attempt to play with my mind
to drag out the emotions and the feelings
postpone the confessions for as long as possible.
cut the crap and tell me.
its no use just wasting my time.
its annoying how i cant make my shots during the game
defense i can do
offense just kills me.
i want out.
i get tired of being me
im not sure anymore of what i want to be
who i want to be
where i want to be
my image is too constantly changing
and always seems to give the wrong impression.
ultimate jock,
ultimate punk,
ultimate girl
[as of the present, i seem to be an ultimate girl]
this sarcasm seems to save me
i enjoy taking shelter in the unease i lay upon people
the bluntness ive begun to have the tendency to show
i like not wasting my words anymore
but i seem to be too overwhelming.
ive lost two people within this last year.
and more people that i knew.
its hard to deal with other peoples selfishness
their own desire to end it all
when you have to deal with your grandparent dying just the week before
i depress myself alot
that much is obvious
i get frustrated alot
that much has been shown
life isnt going so easily for me at the moment
yet i succeed at making it appear so
i wish i were one of those very few lucky people
who were able to balance everything out
and whose biggest problems were whether they'd get the lead part, or end up with second best.
im too hard on myself.
too hard on others.
too much of a procrastinating perfectionist.
theres no time for anything anymore.
change of plans infuriate me.
ramblings are just dumb.
but thats what im doing.
i really need my jalapeno chips.
but ive given them up for this past month
random.
random.
random.
i guess the only thing all of this has in common is that its all my bad qualities and complaints.
well whatever.
i still dont know why the heck you love me.