Almost

you make the effort

live the life

take the risks

undo the plight

thought it was over

maybe it was through

you had moved on

he still tried to keep you

nothing makes sense

you can't make it work

you've got his lies and his threats

he's got your truth and your hurt

you'd almost broke free

gained back independence

but here he is back again...

just keep him at a distance

Our Future Predicaments

In one hundred years, the whole world is going to be run by nothing but geothermal energy, and one of my kids is going to be in charge of the biggest hydro-fuel plant in the world :)

technology is going to be better, smaller, and smarter. and i cant wait :)

scientists will find a way for everyone to live forever and ever, or at least twice as long, so that i can run my power plant myself :)

we'll have the cure to cancer and then find out that the cure's gone loony, so everyones either going to die, or become a hairless monster, just like in "the Legend." and every movie ever invented is going to come true at some point. 

Camai will be held above bethel, on a floating island that goes around the world in three days, and somehow people are going to figure out how to make gas cost less so that everyone can become rich and well all live in luxury. although i dont know how we're going to do that, what with the grudge, and the texas chainsaw massacre guy running loose within the U.S. and China. 

in one hundred years, every single American is going to be overweight, and the trend will soon move on to other countries. no one will want to become skinny again, and pretty soon it's gonna be us skinny girls and guys that are gonna be bullied in school, and left out of the slumber parties and gonna end up never marrying because everyone thinks we're diseased and we're not big enough to fight back against all of the overweight people. although normally an obese person would live a short life, and still might in comparison to someone skinny, they're still gonna live over a hundred and fifty years old.

in a way everything will be better, but everything will be worse too. we'll live in a new century where greed, luxury and self-obsession is a way of life, no longer a sin for man.

oh yeah, and our dogs are gonna learn to talk.

"Hello Madam,"

"Hello Canine,"

"and how was your day today?"

"Very fine thank you, do you have any antique iPods that i can buy today?"

"why yes, i do. fifty dollars please. and how is that weight gain diet going for you?"

=P

bering sea

I remember the first time my family and i drove our boat from bethel to Tununak. I was in seventh grade, i think, Just going into 8th. maybe. Anyway, we were making the trip for the Kusko Book Express, boating to villages and fish camps and giving free books and snacks to kids. I remember the final day of our trip, we were finally driving from Chefornak to Tununak, and we ended up getting stuck in a minor storm. not really a storm i guess, but big waves and lots of wind and spray. Our boat is a long sea runner, one of the older models with a deep V making it hard to run through shallow rivers, but perfect for running it in the ocean. 

But even boating in the perfect sea runner was kind of hard. the waves were about 8 feet tall. Maybe taller, but they were all close together and the boat was rocking from side to side as if it were being shaken like a rattle. with each rock of the boat three sprays of water would find their way through the cracks in our boat cover, and we all held rags and our old socks in all of the cracks, trying to stay dry. it was chilly and damp inside the boat, and me and my brothers were laying on our makeshift bed, rolling with the waves, getting into fights and getting seasick. i remember having to use the bathroom, but was too scared to even try to accomplish the feat while the waves were doing the tango with my beloved boat. 

I remember how white the tips of the waves were, and looking into the deep blue green water every time our boat rocked side to side. despite all of the waves, the frenzy and confusion, the water somehow managed to remain only slightly cloudy. i think that's what i remember the most out of all of it, is how our bering sea is such a deep green color instead of the blue you'll see at any other ocean or sea. and how salty it always tastes, when you're expecting a fresh, almost plantlike sensation.

i remember during that same trip, after we had made it to Tununak, a few days later me and my dad went to Mekoryuk to deliver some books. On the way back, we surfed our way home on the long, rolling waves, my dad and i sharing stories while I maneuvered our overgrown boat smoothly on the waves, keeping speed while i rode on the top, speeding up to lift the nose when we began to get into the spaces in between each wave, then reaching the top of the next wave and repeating the same maneuvers over and over again, falling into the rhythm of the sea. 

It's amazing how boating can bring two people so close together. The small confined space, requiring at least two people to work together, in perfect unison. the anchorman and the driver, the straighten upper and the mechanic. captain and first mate. That summer i learned how to get along with my dad, and learned how to talk with him about everything. I think the boat had a lot to do with it, driving in the sea being even more involved.

 That summer i caught my first halibut. i was almost too scared to reel it in, it looked so huge coming up in the water. at first just a tug, and thinking its just another flounder. reeling and reeling and reeling it in, then seeing this monster come at you once it almost reaches the surface. The bat, the bat, wheres the bat?! aaaagh, it's huge! hurry help me! reel it in yourself. OH MY GOD ITS HUGE!!!!

lol. i was horrified of the thing, and scared silly at the thought of reeling it in myself. dad stunned it once it was out of the water by hitting it with his bat, then put it in a tub so it wouldnt flop all around the boat. The halibut wasn't huge, but it was still big enough for me to remain proud. The bicture of me trying to hold it up, laughing with my dad is still taped up on my wall, right next to my bed.

I love the sea.

I love the water.

I love my boat.

Can't wait 'till this summer

Halfbreed

When I was a baby, my family and I lived in my mom’s hometown, Tununak. We moved out when I turned 6, and since then we’ve moved from place to place in Alaska, going back to Tununak almost every summer to visit my mom’s parents. During one of these visits I met Maryanne, or as most of her Native friends and relatives called her, Piiping.

Piiping was also spending the summer with her grandparents in Tununak and spent a lot of time with Nadine, whom I also spent a lot of my time with, so we got to know each other fairly well. Over the course of time that I’d known her, I had thought that Piiping and I had become close friends because we got along real well. We biked around together a lot, hung out with a lot of the same people, and always had fun playing house.

Around mid-summer, Piiping said that she was having a birthday party at her grandma’s house. She told me and everyone else that we were all invited, that it was going to be tons of fun, and that there would even be a piñata. All of my friends and I were really excited; people rarely ever had birthday parties in Tununak, and by the sound of it this party was going to be extra fun, so everyone couldn’t wait for Piiping’s birthday party to come.

Finally, it was the day of Piiping’s birthday. Nadine and I sat on my grandma’s doorstep waiting for her arrival so that we could go to the party. The weather outside was wonderful. The sun shone brighter that day than it had any other day of that week, and the wind was gently teasing our hair. Everything and everyone seemed excited that day, the dogs playing in the streets, the birds chirping in their nests, everything was perfect.

It wasn’t long before we saw Piiping coming. She walked with enthusiasm, a smile on her face, eager to tell us that her party was ready. Her enthusiasm was contagious, for as soon as we saw her, we were smiling too. We waited for her to reach us, standing up when she finally did.

“Can we come over yet?” Nadine asked eagerly.

“Yup, you can come over, Nadine,” Piiping replied, just as eager. But I had caught my exclusion from the invitation.

“What about me, Piiping?” I asked, expecting her to remember me. “I can come too, right?” Piiping faced me, but her only reply was,

“You can’t come.” I can’t come? I thought, But you already told me yesterday that I was invited.
“Why not?” I asked carefully, trying to remain calm but apparently looking very confused.

“Because I changed my mind. You’re not invited anymore.”

“What? How come? Why’d you change you’re mind?” I asked, my calm disguise slowly disintegrating. My mind immediately started to race. What did I do? I’ve been nicer to you than everyone else, especially since you invited me to your party! I made sure that no one picked on you, and I even yelled at George for making you cry! I don’t want my invitation taken away. Why don’t you want me at your party? All of these thoughts shot through my head as I waited for her answer. Then, she told me.

“Because you’re white.”

“Because I’m White?” What? Of course I’m White. It’s written all over me.

“Yup. Only Yup’iks are allowed at my party.”

“But I am Yup’ik!” See, that’s written all over me too.

“No you’re not. You’re dad’s White, so you’re White too.”

“But my mom’s Yup’ik! That makes me Yup’ik too!”

“You’re not full Yup’ik though. So you can’t come.” She replied bluntly. Then facing Nadine she said, “Come on Nadine, we get to hit the piñata first.” With that they both turned around and walked toward Maryanne’s grandma’s house. Maryanne didn’t bother to look back at me, but Nadine glanced back several times, her face animated with apologies.

For a second I stood there, shocked. Maryanne hated me because I was White. I didn’t get to go to Maryanne’s birthday party because I was White. Everyone gets to hit the piñata but me, all because I’m White. I’m White. I’m White. I’m White.

And with that final thought I turned around, dragged myself up the stairs into my grandma’s house, then into the living room, where I sat on the couch, my face a blank slate. I sat there, surrounded by my Yup’ik family, regretting, for the first time, ever having to be White. Motionless, I remained there, trying to ignore the few tears that had broken their barricades. The tears that were now creating the trails streaming down my face, each drop of pain disposing of another piece of innocence.

BreakUp

Clingy

I just want

To hang out with my friends tonight

Dependent

No

You don't need me to keep you happy

Jealous

You do realize

that he's been my best friend

since before you were mine

Demanding

No.

I won't do it.

Ugh. Boyfriend.

Overrated

Where's the chocolates and flowers?

Grueling

Do I have to meet your parents?

Routine

Another cuddle session?

Boring

when do we do something worth my time?

Sighs. Relationship.

Flirty

I think you owe me another hug ;)

Sexy

Stilettos...

Or wedges?

Independent

I'm going shopping

Alone

Satisfying

Empty in-box

Moist Lips

My own gallon of

Rocky

Road

Ice Cream

Ahh

Freedom

<3

waiting

i want to go home.
this is annoying.
im stuck.
in akiuk.
no friends.
no snowmachines.
no dogs.
no guys.
all of the other girls in our team left.
now me and jackie have to wait for all of the kwethluk girls to leave before we get to go home.
stupid.
ergh.
today is dumb.
i want to go home.
blah.
it must be boring reading about everyones complaints.
and why shouldnt it be.
just ramble
ramble
ramble
i tend to talk about that alot dont i.
i camplain a lot too dont i.
blog.
journal.
comment box.
suggestion box.
complaint box.
yeah.
thats what it is.
my complaint box.
tends to be what i percieve it as.
i dont necessarily like complaining out loud
dont necessarily like talking alot
dont necessarily like talking about my feelings
no
no
no
i dont.
scary, this whole blog prospect
everyone being able to read what you write
people being able to stalk you
everyone knowing your thoughts
knowing as much as you tell
in this case, sort of a lot
how many sick peopel could there be out there
how much info could you reveal
how many words does it take to ruin the rest of your life
i wouldnt think it to be much
one photo
one sentence
one motive
ruins it all

ramble
ramble
ramble

im not sure about what homework im supposed to do for tomorow.
i guess its time to freak out.
we lost against kwethluk yesterday.
so now we're ranked number two
even though we've won more games than they have
and our record is more impressive than theirs is.
how dumb is that.
dont get me wrong
congrats to kweth
but i find the whole system...
wack.
i guess i dont feel like talking about it.
im suddenly out of words.
out of thoughts.
out off comments.
so im just gonna leave you hanging now.
im out.
[click]

whatever.

i find myself pathetic.
for my own unexplainable reasons.
im scared of leaving this summer.
it seems as if the truth wont hit until i really have to face it.
death scares me.
life scares me.
i dont understand the point in life if all we're going to do is die again.
adam
eve
you two are pretty damned stupid.
i hate my inconsistency.
i should teach english
no i want to teach math
wait i want my own business
forget it ill go into geophysics.
i hate having to deal with the games people attempt to play with my mind
to drag out the emotions and the feelings
postpone the confessions for as long as possible.
cut the crap and tell me.
its no use just wasting my time.
its annoying how i cant make my shots during the game
defense i can do
offense just kills me.
i want out.
i get tired of being me
im not sure anymore of what i want to be
who i want to be
where i want to be
my image is too constantly changing
and always seems to give the wrong impression.
ultimate jock,
ultimate punk,
ultimate girl
[as of the present, i seem to be an ultimate girl]
this sarcasm seems to save me
i enjoy taking shelter in the unease i lay upon people
the bluntness ive begun to have the tendency to show
i like not wasting my words anymore
but i seem to be too overwhelming.
ive lost two people within this last year.
and more people that i knew.
its hard to deal with other peoples selfishness
their own desire to end it all
when you have to deal with your grandparent dying just the week before
i depress myself alot
that much is obvious
i get frustrated alot
that much has been shown
life isnt going so easily for me at the moment
yet i succeed at making it appear so
i wish i were one of those very few lucky people
who were able to balance everything out
and whose biggest problems were whether they'd get the lead part, or end up with second best.
im too hard on myself.
too hard on others.
too much of a procrastinating perfectionist.
theres no time for anything anymore.
change of plans infuriate me.
ramblings are just dumb.
but thats what im doing.
i really need my jalapeno chips.
but ive given them up for this past month
random.
random.
random.
i guess the only thing all of this has in common is that its all my bad qualities and complaints.
well whatever.
i still dont know why the heck you love me.